Open Letter to the Zombie Eating Me

Dear Mrs. Ferguson,

Funny how things work out, don’t you think?

I’m sure it must have been difficult to climb onto that dumpster and jump me from behind, what with you only having one leg and an arm teetering on one tendril of muscle tissue and your eyes sort of deflated like birthday balloons as they are.  I appreciate the effort you put into the ambush, I really do.  It’s kind of nice, in its fucked up way.

Do you remember that time you told me I was a mediocre hack with big hips, this kind of sad little beetle whose guts the world would most likely squish all over the floor?  Oh man, I cried for days over that one.  You had a real knack for gut-retching imagery, I’ll give you that.

I suppose it’s not a coincidence you’d be the one to bite me.  If only you hadn’t been so damn sneaky.  Funny that even with a gun I still had no chance on this one.  Hilarious.

It’s really a pickle you’ve put me in, Mrs. Ferguson. It was only a month ago when being able to hold onto my self-confidence was my big life battle of the moment and I spent most of my time sitting in coffee shops, reading blogs or watching GLEE reruns.

An apocalypse really puts perspective on things.

There are two options in a situation like this, I suppose.  I could just sit back and allow myself to turn into a zombie, but I have to say that the idea of becoming just like you makes me a little ill.  Or I could shoot myself dead and hope to hell I stay that way.

But now that I think about it, George Romero, Zack Snyder and all those other zombie movie guys always adjust the rules of the genre to whatever works best for them.  So why can’t I do that?  Maybe I’m a closeted zombie movie director and don’t even know it.

Okay, so here it goes.

I’ve decided that taking the zombie that bit you and shooting her in the face three times cures you of the zombie infection.  I’d really like to use the rest of my leg for more important things than to satiate your appetite.  And if it doesn’t work, there’s not really anyone around anymore to miss either of us.  Nothing like equality, huh?

Let’s give it a try, shall we?



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