The New Year tends to get people thinking about their lives and what they want to change – usually resulting in failed resolutions and eventual depression. I do my best to avoid following the crowd as they jump into the volcano, but this year is a bit different for me, I suppose.
Being only five months away from turning 25, the reality of a quarter life crisis is looming, and I’m impatiently waiting to see how this is all going to work out.
The last couple months have been colored with failure, some success, and a deep desire to better my situation, to better myself. Failure #1: did not finish National Novel Writing month – though I did get to 27,000 words which, for me, is a heck of a lot. Success #1: The X-Mas Cabaret I was helping produce was a success, as far as $10 fundraisers go. Desire #1: Become a master pie baker.
Pie? Really? So simple, but maybe that’s where the answer lies.
For Christmas and Thanksgiving, I contributed pies to family meals and they seemed to go over very well – I say this because, while my family and friends have done their fair share of lying over the years, they are not THAT good at faking praise. So perhaps I’ve found something I can really get my hands dirty with – I like being able to create things with my hands sometimes, something tangible, something that sits and stares at you when you’re done with it. Writing is different – you can get so lost in your head, in ideas, in the ether of story – its rather nice sometimes to create something you can see and taste and touch and feel.
Failure #2: Gained weight. About 20 pounds since high school, slowly over the past six years, but still. Success #2: Finished a draft of a full length play. Desire #3: Go to kung fu class, get healthy, get strong.
That’s right. Kung Fu. I’ve been going for a year now, not that you’d notice. Still can’t do a push up to save my life. Still breathe after running as if I’ve been a smoker since the tender age of seven. Still feel like a loser and can’t seem to get that whole martial artist mind-trick down that keeps you centered. But I can’t say I’ve been the most dedicated student over the past year – but 2010 is a nice place to start, don’t you think?
Failure #3: Have a list of projects I haven’t finished, and the end of them don’t seem to be on the horizon. This is definitely linked to the fact that I don’t get favorable response to any fellowship or other ridiculous thing I apply to…because nothing I send in is ever actually finished. Success #3: Moved to a one bedroom apartment and finally feel like a real person. Desire #3: Write everyday.
When you have decided you want to be or do something for the rest of your life, when you’re convinced that this is the only path in life that would truly make you happy – what is it in you that freezes up all those muscles that would have made it possible? I suppose its fear of failure. But could it be fear of success?
We shall see.